Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Funny Sayings
- A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted. Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
- Always laugh when you can. It is cheapest medicine.
- Laughter is the shock absorber that eases the blows of life.
- An optimist is someone who falls off the Empire State Building, and after 50 floors says, 'So far so good!'
- You can't have everything....where would you put it?
- You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
- If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings including this one.
- If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.
- When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
- You know the speed of light, so what's the speed of dark?
Friday, December 18, 2009
A Lawyer's Question
A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial--a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail for contempt within 5 minutes!"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail for contempt within 5 minutes!"
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Monday, December 7, 2009
The Measure of the Glass
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Good Choice!!
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes, and said, "Take what you want."
"The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes, and said, "Take what you want."
"The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Four Worms
Four Worms and a lesson to be learned
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol -Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup -Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil -Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation -
What did you learn from this demonstration?
Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,
'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol -Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup -Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil -Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation -
What did you learn from this demonstration?
Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,
'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Funny Quotes
"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is."
Ellen DeGeners.
"Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac."
George Carlin.
"I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?"
Paul Merton.
"There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that."
Steve Martin.
"I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own."
Les Dawson.
"The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney..."
Steven Wright.
"First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down."
George Burns.
"The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with."
Marty Feldman.
"We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture."
Robin Williams.
Ellen DeGeners.
"Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac."
George Carlin.
"I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?"
Paul Merton.
"There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that."
Steve Martin.
"I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own."
Les Dawson.
"The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney..."
Steven Wright.
"First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down."
George Burns.
"The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with."
Marty Feldman.
"We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture."
Robin Williams.
Friday, November 27, 2009
Catch a Rabbit
The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in.
They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in.
After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in.
They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
"Out of Office" automatic email replies out there...
1) I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.
2) You are receiving this automatic notification, because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
3) Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.
4) I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
5) Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
6) The email server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see who did this over and over and over....)
7) Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
2) You are receiving this automatic notification, because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
3) Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.
4) I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
5) Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
6) The email server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see who did this over and over and over....)
7) Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
99' little bugs in the code
99' little bugs in the code
99 little bugs in the code,
99 bugs in the code,
fix one bug, compile it again,
101 little bugs in the code.
101 little bugs in the code,....
> (Repeat until BUGS = 0)
99 little bugs in the code,
99 bugs in the code,
fix one bug, compile it again,
101 little bugs in the code.
101 little bugs in the code,....
> (Repeat until BUGS = 0)
Monday, November 16, 2009
Jokes
Santa MUJRA Dekhne Gaya,
Sari RAAT Mujra Dekha.
Mujre Wali Ne kaha-SAAB Humne Aap ko KHUSH kiya
Ab Aap Hume KHUSH karo
Santa utha aur
NACHNE Laga..!
Sardar: Kal jo shampoo liya tha usaka free gift do
Shopkeeper: us pe free gift nahi hai
Sardar: pagal Samjha hai? us pe likha hai "DANDRUFF FREE
Teacher: Agar apna character sudharna hai to sab auraton ko MAA kaha karo.
Student: Madam is se mera character to theek rahega, par mere baap ka bigad jayega.
Bhikhari:Sahab Aapke Padosi Ne Pet Bhar ke Khana Khilaya Aap bhi
Kuch De dijiye
Santa: ye le HAJMOLA kha le
1 makhi ganjay ke sir per ja baythi,
Dusari makhi nay kaha,
“Wah kya ghar mila hai tujhey”
Pehli makhi boli:
“Kahan yaar, abhi to sirf plot kharida hai”
Sari RAAT Mujra Dekha.
Mujre Wali Ne kaha-SAAB Humne Aap ko KHUSH kiya
Ab Aap Hume KHUSH karo
Santa utha aur
NACHNE Laga..!
Sardar: Kal jo shampoo liya tha usaka free gift do
Shopkeeper: us pe free gift nahi hai
Sardar: pagal Samjha hai? us pe likha hai "DANDRUFF FREE
Teacher: Agar apna character sudharna hai to sab auraton ko MAA kaha karo.
Student: Madam is se mera character to theek rahega, par mere baap ka bigad jayega.
Bhikhari:Sahab Aapke Padosi Ne Pet Bhar ke Khana Khilaya Aap bhi
Kuch De dijiye
Santa: ye le HAJMOLA kha le
1 makhi ganjay ke sir per ja baythi,
Dusari makhi nay kaha,
“Wah kya ghar mila hai tujhey”
Pehli makhi boli:
“Kahan yaar, abhi to sirf plot kharida hai”
Friday, November 13, 2009
Library Joke
"What time does the library open?" the man on the phone asked.
"Nine A.M." came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?"
"Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointed voice.
"No, not till nine A.M.!" the librarian said. "Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?"
"Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out."
"Nine A.M." came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?"
"Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointed voice.
"No, not till nine A.M.!" the librarian said. "Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?"
"Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out."
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Crazy People Talk
A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.
Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.
The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a light bulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.
The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"
Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"
Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.
The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a light bulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.
The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"
Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Funny Inheritance Joke
The Old Professor (TM, dammit!) poses the following problem to one of his classes:
“A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his daughter, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his brother, and the rest to his wife. Now, what does each get?”
After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Pauly raises his hand and says, “A lawyer?”
“A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his daughter, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his brother, and the rest to his wife. Now, what does each get?”
After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Pauly raises his hand and says, “A lawyer?”
Monday, November 2, 2009
Eye Tricks
Look at the chart above and say the COLOR of the word, not the word itself.
Do you see a musician or a girl's face?
How many legs does this elephant have?
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
A Kids Guide to buying smart
A little kid was looking at the large ripe watermelons growing in the gardener's melon patch. "I'll give you my twenty five cents for that watermelon," said the boy pointing to a beautiful, large, ripe fruit in the middle of the patch.
"No," said the gardener, "I get $2 for a Watermelon like that one." The little boy pointed to a tiny watermelon just beginning to grow on a nearby, "Will you take twenty five cents for that one?"
"Sure," replied the gardener, "I'll give you that one for twenty five cents."
"OK," said the little kid, sealing the deal by putting the coin in the gardener's hand, "I'll pick it up in about two weeks."
"No," said the gardener, "I get $2 for a Watermelon like that one." The little boy pointed to a tiny watermelon just beginning to grow on a nearby, "Will you take twenty five cents for that one?"
"Sure," replied the gardener, "I'll give you that one for twenty five cents."
"OK," said the little kid, sealing the deal by putting the coin in the gardener's hand, "I'll pick it up in about two weeks."
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Monday, October 19, 2009
Tongue Twister
Repeat them a few times
A good cook could cook as much cookies as a good cook who could cook cookies
I saw a saw that could out saw any other saw I ever saw.
Black bug bit a big black bear. But where is the big black bear that the big black bug bit?
I wish to wish the wish you wish to wish, but if you wish the wish the witch wishes, I won't wish the wish you wish to wish.
If two witches were watching two watches, which witch would watch which watch?
A good cook could cook as much cookies as a good cook who could cook cookies
I saw a saw that could out saw any other saw I ever saw.
Black bug bit a big black bear. But where is the big black bear that the big black bug bit?
I wish to wish the wish you wish to wish, but if you wish the wish the witch wishes, I won't wish the wish you wish to wish.
If two witches were watching two watches, which witch would watch which watch?
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Funny Jokes
Professionals Test
This quiz consists of four questions that tells you whether or not you are qualified to be a professional. SCROLL DOWN FOR THE ANSWERS. There is no need to cheat. The questions are not that difficult. You just need to think like a professional.
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door. This question tests whether or not you are doing simple things in a complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Incorrect answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the door.
Correct answer: Open the refrigerator, take out of the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This question tests your foresight.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct answer: The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator! This tests if you are capable of comprehensive thinking. OK, if you did not answer the last three questions correctly, this one may be your last chance to test your qualifications to be a professional.
4. There is a river that is known to have many crocodiles in it. How do you cross it?
Correct Answer: Simply swim across it. All the crocodiles are attending the animal meeting!
This quiz consists of four questions that tells you whether or not you are qualified to be a professional. SCROLL DOWN FOR THE ANSWERS. There is no need to cheat. The questions are not that difficult. You just need to think like a professional.
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door. This question tests whether or not you are doing simple things in a complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Incorrect answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the door.
Correct answer: Open the refrigerator, take out of the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This question tests your foresight.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct answer: The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator! This tests if you are capable of comprehensive thinking. OK, if you did not answer the last three questions correctly, this one may be your last chance to test your qualifications to be a professional.
4. There is a river that is known to have many crocodiles in it. How do you cross it?
Correct Answer: Simply swim across it. All the crocodiles are attending the animal meeting!
