The Beekeeper

In the town where I live we've got this guy who is about three sandwiches short of a picnic. He drinks in the bar down the road and one night one of the new neighbors stopped in for a pint. Turns out he's a beekeeper and has two or three hives at the bottom of his garden. Somehow we all got to talking about pets and we're comparing them all. The beekeeper tells us that bees are actually quite smart for insects and to prove it told us this:

"Every morning at 5 he'd go out to the hives and flip the latches to let the bees out. They'd all fly down to the park and wouldn't return until around five sharp that evening when he replaced the latch. Our friend (the Looney) started laughing at this point and when we asked why he thought this was funny he said, "cos it's bullshit! Everybody knows the park gates don't open till 10!"

Elevator

A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, "T-G-I-F" (letters only).

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T" (letters only)."

She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again.

He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."

The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly "T-G-I-F" another time.

The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T."

The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?"

The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."

The Business Meeting

A business woman named Cindy was in the airport VIP lounge on her way to Los Angeles. While in the VIP lounge, she noticed Donald Trump sitting on the sofa enjoying a brandy. As luck would have it, Cindy was meeting with a very important client who was running somewhat late.

Being a bold business woman, Cindy decided to go ahead and approach Mr. Trump, and introduced herself. Much to her surprise Mr. Trump turned out to be very nice. Encouraged by this she explained to "the Donald" that she was about to close a very important business deal and that she would be very grateful if he could say a quick "hello Cindy" to her when she was with her client. Mr. Trump consented to do just that.

Ten minutes later while Cindy was speaking with her client, she felt a rap on her shoulder. It was Donald Trump. Cindy turned about and looked at him as Trump said.

"Hi Cindy, what's going on?"

To which Cindy glibly replied, "Not now, Donald, can't you see I'm in a meeting!"

The Ten Ifs Of Employment

1. If it rings, put it on hold.
2. If it clunks, call the repairman.
3. If it whistles, ignore it.
4. If it's a friend, stop work and chat.
5. If it's the boss, look busy.
6. If it talks, take notes.
7. If it's handwritten, type it.
8. if it's typed, copy it.
9. If it's copied, file it.
10. If it's Friday, forget it!

A Forester And Lawyer

A forester and a lawyer were in car accident and showed up at the pearly gates together.

St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and takes them to the homes where they will spend all of eternity. They get into St. Peter's holy vehicle and head on down a gold road, which turns into a platinum road, which turns onto an even grander road paved with diamonds, to a huge mansion where St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says, here is your home for the rest of eternity, enjoy! And if there is anything you need, just let me know.

Then St. Peter took the forester to his home, back down the diamond studded boulevard, down the platinum highway, down the street of gold, down an avenue of silver, along a stone alley and down an unpaved footpath to a shack. St Peter says "Here you go" and goes to leave when the forester says "Wait a minute!, how come the lawyer gets the big mansion and I get this shack?"

St. Peter says: "Well, Foresters are a dime a dozen here, we have never had a lawyer before."

Winning Nobel Prize

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"

The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."

"How?" asks the man, puzzled.

"Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . . to people who are out standing in their field."

Must Help The Wife

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We're short-handed, Smith" the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Smith "I knew I could count on you!"